This is un-true account of what has happened to select number of people I was bullied by at school, as far as im aware....none of it is true and it be treated as a writing exercise in bitter comic fiction.

 

List of People who bullied me at School and what may have happened to them………if there’s any justice in the world.

 

1: Iain Collins

 

Big Balloon Lipped Iain’s life was never easy they tell me, I’m sure therefore that is a fine excuse for being a being a complete wank to all sundry every minute that Bruce sent*.

 

“Sadly” Iain’s life took un expected turn in 2004 when whilst on holiday in Dorset Iain’s big Cod face was mistaken for a Giant grounded Bass by local green peace activists and his was violently dragged in to the sea in a misguided attempted to preserve his essential oils.

 

As a result of this and the large amount of salt water he inhaled. Iain suffered chronic Lung damage and now has to restricted his brand of cuntery to the confines of an Iron lung……good.

 

  • Bruce Campbell is god and will be referred to as such from this point on.
 

2: Unknown Kid

 

Had been bed bound since late sept 1988 due to a violent “Gang Stinging” by some upset wasps – who while sensing the large number of sweets he’d stolen from me in his pocket – took it upon themselves to get one last good stinging in before pissing off for the winter.

 

Unknown Kid can not only communicate with outside world via the barely visible twitching of his anus.

 

3: Ross

 

The cousin of a friend and renowned testicle, Ross’s most famous life accomplishment was smoking when his 11 and…………….and……..well that’s it.

 

With lighting thought process and brain capacity of Sloth from Goonies. Ross took his hatred towards all sexes, races (including whites) and children and moved in perhaps the only avenue available too him. Teaching.

 

Ross once blasted me with a fire extinguisher, when I beat him at the Shot putt at School (he’s tiny bloke who’s kind of fat/stoopid and has been smoking since he was 11...there’s nothing about the shot putt that is suitable to his kind). After said blasting Ross ‘Instructed’ me that I was to let him win next time or he’d ‘get’ me. I didn’t let him win and got blasted again with fire extinguisher

 

I’m told Ross desperate alcoholic and really hates his job……….good.

 

4: JS

 

Not mentioned his real name because his is in-fact dead. Died back in 1996 due to a drug overdose……..and I’m fine with that.

 

5: Everyone Else

 

Now know simply as the ‘Piñata’ incident in local police files.

 

Many of the ‘troubled’ kids from childhood with became ill by aggressive haemorrhaging or indeed exploded when it was discovered that SOMEONE poisoned the punch a  mysterous and ‘selective’ 2007 school reunion which I DID NOT attend.

 

A bucket sits in Rivergate Centre Public toilet’s in honour of those who fell……I pissed in it.

 

Good.

 

For B……………….and sleep. (You can have it back I’m done with it and i think YOU need it much more then i do)

 
 
 
I love Halloween, cause still perhaps has to be the only time in the entire year when you can run up to a Harri Krishna Dressed as Jesus Christ and go..

"BOO YA CUNT!

And theres not a bloody thing they can do about it

** Don't worry it's just a gig **
 
 
This is my un-true version of my bio, as far as im aware....none of it is true

Dec 3rd 1979 within the warm puss covered walls of the “Elephant man” wing of Irvine Centre Hospital  the late 1970’s didn’t know what hit it when the 17st stone Golaith baby Daffney Cillit Bang Kirkwood was born. 

Daffney or Billy as he soon became know once his once her/his/it’s correct gender has been established – would begin that mountainous climb to the very middle of the Stand Up comedy ladder from a very young age. 

The youngest of 10 children - 6 girls and 3 bastards -Billy began his entertainment career  dancing for pennies outside of his local Bakers Oven, the very dry-boak inducing waft of the piss stained empire biscuit munching pensioners fuelling his burning desire to perform ever more as well as later manifesting it’s self in his adult life in form of his nightmare perversions. 

After winner Ayrshire’s coveted ‘Best Retina’ contest in 1987 Billy left the leaking sides of his hutch and armed with nothing more than a smile, a Wendy house and a dolls dress and a note from his mother (a fag packed with with word’s “You runined my vagina FUCK YOU” scrawled on it”) , he left for the bright lights of London to seek his fortune….but was inevitably brought back home by the authorities due to him only being 7 at the time, and that fact that cellotape is not considered to be the correct currency in this country to purchase a train ticket. 

With this set back Billy…once again Daffney… spiralled into a near 17 year Red Cola laced depression, punchuated only by several spells in Prison for Owl Fraud and the authoring of books his/her it’s books “Down with Whitey” and “That Cunt Geoff Capes” 

However this would not last as despite once be described by the Scotsman’s as “Emotionally Retarded with Underline hatred of all Sex's” Billy made his triumphant return to work of entertainment, performing his one man show “Anyone on for Moose Bum” at Kilwinning Branch of Ladbrokes and since then telegraphs simply haven’t stopped. 

Billy can be seen performing ‘comedy’ all over the UK in clubs, restaurants, Opuim Dens, S&M Jizz rooms, and of course occasionally on the telly, as in 2008 Billy won a Oscar and a Puffin badge for his performance as ‘Billy the hateful talking prop’ in the unpopular kids show “Tears for Toffee”. 

For a man who is considered to technically downes syndrome in some medical circles – Billy’s rise to the middle has been truly unbelievable with such a level of talent…or lack there of. 

With a career so varied and levels of hatred so bizarre surely the end while far away will be like his sex life….filled with Lego and Darkness. 

Billy Kirkwood – Not a man…but an itch. 

For B, D, S, M, AV and Joe…fuck the lot of you, you woke the sleeping giant.

A bit darker than I planned but what the hey........ It’s start…new bio next month.

 
 
MY NEW BLOG 10/29/2009
 
Yes i'm starting ANOTHER blog...i know i know, hopefully i'lll keep this one up.

The idea behind this blog is for me to come up with new meterial as in recent times i've found myself to different meterial and bring out more of own unqiue voice as a comedian.

Ergo This blog

The plan is i'm going to use to to test out new gags, just stick up what i've been working on, as well sticking up some of the bizarreness i generate from Random 'writing exercises' i do to get the juices flowing...some times it'll be cool, sometimes funny, sometimes not...fuck it..lets go for it anyway.

If you reading (which i doubt you are) thanks for having a peek, feel free to leave genuine comments if you find something funny or shite..............cheers

Billy